Do you ever have one of those days where you have no motivation to do anything. It usually hits me hard when I do not have anything planned and I end up watching tv all day and reading all night, today however, it has hit me hard this morning. I woke up several times this morning starting around 6am... my alarm clock was set for 8 but I probably woke about 3 or 4 times between 6 and 8.. then right before my alarm clock went off I woke up- Like really awake. That happens to me a lot where I almost feel refreshed to be awake but I don't get up, I stay in bed and after a min or two I fall back asleep... now this is bad because once I fall back asleep even for a min, then I am groggy for at least the another hour.... this is what happened, I accidentally turned off my alarm and ended up sleeping till 10 min before work.... What a day. Now I explained all of this melodrama because I have asked God so many times to wake me up in the morning, get me going, give me time to spend in his presence and yet when he does give it to me, I choose to stay in bed. I wake up will a little bit of energy and I choose to waste it for 5 more min of bad sleep...WHY?! besides being a moron, I think it is because I don't want to deal with it. I want to spend time with God so that I can say I have. I know in my head that its good for me, I hear that it will improve my day and improve my dissatisfaction with live... but I do not remember the joy it will bring. I want to say i'm on top of things, that I'm the perfect person, "I'm so spiritual" but I don't want to have to change. I don't want to do the work. I don't want to feel God's dissatisfaction with my life. I do not want to go outside of my comfort zone and be convicted for my refusal to serve.
It might sound like I think God is this angry vengeful God who requires so many rules and whatnot, but I honestly don't think that. I believe that He wants the best for me but mostly what is best for me in terms of what is BEST for His kingdom and will be the most help for the least of His....
Something that has been tugging on my hearty a lot lately is Timshel. Thou Mayest. I complain a lot about being lazy and I'm not satisfied, I'm unmotivated..bla bla bla. I had a friend tell me one time that now that I have said I am lazy what am I going to do about it? I cant use that character trait as an excuse for not doing something. I have confessed but I haven't changed it at all, I am using my lazy tendencies to escape from responsibility for my actions. when I dont do something i just pass it off and say, well I'm such a lazy person, Oh Darn. Just because everyone knows i'm lazy doesn't make it right. I chose that and I can change that. God will not accept that as an excuse for not helping those in need. although its kind of funny to imagine. "hey God, sorry I didnt help protect those marginalized people, I was busy watching tv.... It's just that I'm a lazy person, I'm sorry that I am but you know how it is, I'm just Lazy!" God:"oh ok, well I do know that you are lazy, I understand"
I guess i'm done rambling or whatever.
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