What of it?

I am not who you say I am.
It struck me the other day that those instances are becoming more frequently when I hear a description of myself or one of my actions/tendencies that I don't think are true. My first reaction is denial, then hurt or anger, then annoyance that they see me so off from the truth. When this starts to happen more and more frequently it becomes obvious that someone has the wrong view... and I'm beginning to think it is me that is wrong. It's easy to pass of if someone you don't know very well says something about you that your like, "what are they talking about, I don't do/think that." not when your close friends start doing it. It is usually safe to assume that the people around you all the time can read you better than yourself. I may think that I am acting one way in response to what I am thinking but it does really matter what i think I'm portraying, its what the audience perceives. not that I'm saying i need to start acting a certain way to make them believe i am different from what i am, but be more aware and intentional about how i act so that people can see who i really am and how i want to be perceived. If i think i am a nice person, it doesn't matter if i don't act upon that nice attitude. does that make sense?
I want to be seen as who I really am, and I want to be remembered consistently with how I see myself.
So instead of trying to defend my idea of how I act, I am going to try to be more intentional about how I act and how I respond so that my perception and the worlds perception of me and my actions line up in a way that is glorifying to God.
How do your friends see you? is it how you want to be seen?

I'm just a lazy person.

Do you ever have one of those days where you have no motivation to do anything. It usually hits me hard when I do not have anything planned and I end up watching tv all day and reading all night, today however, it has hit me hard this morning. I woke up several times this morning starting around 6am... my alarm clock was set for 8 but I probably woke about 3 or 4 times between 6 and 8.. then right before my alarm clock went off I woke up- Like really awake. That happens to me a lot where I almost feel refreshed to be awake but I don't get up, I stay in bed and after a min or two I fall back asleep... now this is bad because once I fall back asleep even for a min, then I am groggy for at least the another hour.... this is what happened, I accidentally turned off my alarm and ended up sleeping till 10 min before work.... What a day. Now I explained all of this melodrama because I have asked God so many times to wake me up in the morning, get me going, give me time to spend in his presence and yet when he does give it to me, I choose to stay in bed. I wake up will a little bit of energy and I choose to waste it for 5 more min of bad sleep...WHY?! besides being a moron, I think it is because I don't want to deal with it. I want to spend time with God so that I can say I have. I know in my head that its good for me, I hear that it will improve my day and improve my dissatisfaction with live... but I do not remember the joy it will bring. I want to say i'm on top of things, that I'm the perfect person, "I'm so spiritual" but I don't want to have to change. I don't want to do the work. I don't want to feel God's dissatisfaction with my life. I do not want to go outside of my comfort zone and be convicted for my refusal to serve.
It might sound like I think God is this angry vengeful God who requires so many rules and whatnot, but I honestly don't think that. I believe that He wants the best for me but mostly what is best for me in terms of what is BEST for His kingdom and will be the most help for the least of His....
Something that has been tugging on my hearty a lot lately is Timshel. Thou Mayest. I complain a lot about being lazy and I'm not satisfied, I'm unmotivated..bla bla bla. I had a friend tell me one time that now that I have said I am lazy what am I going to do about it? I cant use that character trait as an excuse for not doing something. I have confessed but I haven't changed it at all, I am using my lazy tendencies to escape from responsibility for my actions. when I dont do something i just pass it off and say, well I'm such a lazy person, Oh Darn. Just because everyone knows i'm lazy doesn't make it right. I chose that and I can change that. God will not accept that as an excuse for not helping those in need. although its kind of funny to imagine. "hey God, sorry I didnt help protect those marginalized people, I was busy watching tv.... It's just that I'm a lazy person, I'm sorry that I am but you know how it is, I'm just Lazy!" God:"oh ok, well I do know that you are lazy, I understand"
I guess i'm done rambling or whatever.

um yes.

I am thankful for my friends. I know that they are true friends because they will let me stay at their house and read/sleep while they go out shopping. I do not have to impress them and I do not have to be at the top of my game. If they ask, "Do you want to go shopping with us or do you want to stay here?" I can unashamedly say... I'll stay here and read or something, and it's not weird. when they get back we eat ice cream and hang out. I can come and go and know that I am a part of the family. I like that, and I appreciate that not everyone has that. sometimes I take them for granted.