So i know I don't write on here much, but i do think about it often.. usually when I'm about to go to sleep or driving. i have most of my internal dialogues while driving. It's usually big plans that i will never follow through with or conversations that have past and I'm re-working them in my mind to see how i could have changed what i said or seemed a different person somehow or what have you. The car is my unwinding. It is where i go when I am worked up and when I am when I am not. I don't love driving and I hate traffic, yet I get most of my thinking done in the car. I notice more stuff while driving, things that I want to talk about and things that no one else would want to listen to. A lot of times while I am driving I will a screen shot of what I'm looking at, i feel like what i am looking at turns into a picture that i wish i could print out and show people my perspective, yes the guy working on the street light but blur everything out and make the squirrel that is watching him from the same pole he is working on more vivid.... all of that in the second that i see it and drive past...
I want to be different, to act different, to talk differently. but i am not different. I am me. I do not want to accept that, I want to be artistic, trendy, a poet and a writer yet a theologian and a philosopher, I want to be outdoorsy and graceful. petite and strong. I am only me. I have my strengths and I know that i am needed and appreciated by my friends and family, they are satisfied with me as I am, yet I am not. I am a lazy person, I avoid my issues; basically I am not the change I want to see. Someone once told me, "you say you are lazy and that it's a problem but do not let that be an excuse to continue being lazy. face it, deal with it and change it." I havent done that yet. I usually know what my problem is; no self discipline or general laziness, yet I talk about it, moan about it, gripe about how I dont like it then move along and change nothing. It is the same thing as the timshel issue in the bible. are we a slave to sin? is it our destiny? Thou Mayest! I have a choice to make. Will I continue being self absorbed and lazy or will I get back to work and make a valiant effort to be different?! will I be the change I want to see.. and how do I change without loosing me?
I work in a house where a 99 yr old lady lives, she gets disoriented every day in one way or another. some days she thinks I'm the paid help in a nursing home, other days she asks if she is related to the people who live here (her grandchildren) other days she just doesn't ask. She sits in her chair all day, she eats in her room, sleeps in her room and sometimes comes out for a glass of buttermilk. Today she said that she sometimes feels like she is dreaming all the time. She can remember Taylor's name but has to ask if they are kin (Taylor is her great-granddaughter. She can't see well enough to read and she cant hear well enough to watch TV. she just sits in her chair all day doing nothing but living in a fog. Lonely and bored, waiting to die. I wonder what it's like to not know where you are or why your there. to not know what is real and what is in your head.... I like her a lot though. She's funny and sassy and walking around at 99 yrs old.
I need to make a choice. Do I really want to change for the better; become disciplined or not?
I want to be different, to act different, to talk differently. but i am not different. I am me. I do not want to accept that, I want to be artistic, trendy, a poet and a writer yet a theologian and a philosopher, I want to be outdoorsy and graceful. petite and strong. I am only me. I have my strengths and I know that i am needed and appreciated by my friends and family, they are satisfied with me as I am, yet I am not. I am a lazy person, I avoid my issues; basically I am not the change I want to see. Someone once told me, "you say you are lazy and that it's a problem but do not let that be an excuse to continue being lazy. face it, deal with it and change it." I havent done that yet. I usually know what my problem is; no self discipline or general laziness, yet I talk about it, moan about it, gripe about how I dont like it then move along and change nothing. It is the same thing as the timshel issue in the bible. are we a slave to sin? is it our destiny? Thou Mayest! I have a choice to make. Will I continue being self absorbed and lazy or will I get back to work and make a valiant effort to be different?! will I be the change I want to see.. and how do I change without loosing me?
I work in a house where a 99 yr old lady lives, she gets disoriented every day in one way or another. some days she thinks I'm the paid help in a nursing home, other days she asks if she is related to the people who live here (her grandchildren) other days she just doesn't ask. She sits in her chair all day, she eats in her room, sleeps in her room and sometimes comes out for a glass of buttermilk. Today she said that she sometimes feels like she is dreaming all the time. She can remember Taylor's name but has to ask if they are kin (Taylor is her great-granddaughter. She can't see well enough to read and she cant hear well enough to watch TV. she just sits in her chair all day doing nothing but living in a fog. Lonely and bored, waiting to die. I wonder what it's like to not know where you are or why your there. to not know what is real and what is in your head.... I like her a lot though. She's funny and sassy and walking around at 99 yrs old.
I need to make a choice. Do I really want to change for the better; become disciplined or not?
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