Moi Pabu- I Feel

I feel like some days I am confident and excited to be here, learning the language and meeting people to practice with. Then other days, I cocoon inside myself hoping the day will pass swiftly so I don’t have to face anyone… these feelings lead me to believe that I am the only one or thing in my way of fully enjoying my time here thus far; self-esteem. I am learning who I am; who I thought I was, who I think I am, and who I am turning out to be. I have never questioned these aspects of myself this much before, and there are definitely times when my brain bulks at the effort of self-evaluation. I am obviously my worst critique. But I think right now, that is mostly a good thing. It is helping me to learn and grow. I think those days when I am encouraged and confident; I have stepped back and let Him handle my day. The rest of the time, it’s usually because I am wrapped in a book and don’t want to think.  My posts so far have been mostly a reflection focused on one aspect or thought for that day/week/hour. This is mostly because I am not doing nearly enough to entertain anyone for more than one min, and also because it is easier for me to do that than try to edit my thoughts enough to say what I’m thinking without getting in trouble for saying too much, if you know what I mean. Some of you probably don’t; don’t feel bad, I’ll let it go. I am not used to writing for people to read- my only experiences thus far were school papers (which I did well on but I have no idea how- they were crap) and my journal throughout 6^th and 7^th grade (which I still get made fun of by anyone who has read them- more people than you would think.) all that to say, I don’t feel like I have a lot to update on.

                I am doing well, I get lonely sometimes- but I think that is to be expected for someone who comes from such a close knit group of friends and family. I am enjoying the new experiences I am having here and my dreams of learning other languages are coming true. Well I guess it’s not plural- I’m only learning one; but if we include the Spanish from school (which I don’t remember) and perhaps piglatin I will fit right in with the people here who speak at least three languages…

I am learning the language and they say the best way to do that is to talk and practice with people who speak that language. Thus I am thrust out into the big city with a few phases and more than enough willing helpers. The end of my intense language study is at the end of next week- first week of sept. I am really looking forward to that time; I will still be expected to keep up with language and practice daily, but I will also get to work more hands on with the research project I came out here for. The more I look ahead the easier it is for me to push past my discomfort and really practice the language. I am encouraged daily by the people I am working with, both national partners and the company workers. Hopefully once I’m doing something beyond myself and my language I will be able to give better stories and not ramble so much.

Books I’ve read recently: from most recent back: Mockingjay, Breaking Dawn, Twilight, the Grapes of Wrath, Blink of an Eye, Adam, Namesake, the Portofino, and Little Bee.

Music I’m listening to the most: Sufjan Stevens, Dirty Projectors, Adam Randall, Andrew Peterson, Yeasayer and a lot of others.