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the problem I seem to have with this blog is that i have to, in fact, write in it.  I feel like I am in a mood to write or ramble but then I open this site and shut down mentally. Who knows why, I have a few guesses but it doesnt really matter now does it?


I feel like I dont really utilize the computer in general as much as I should, especially since my job is all about the computer and internet and marketing in a sense... maybe thats why i never go on the computer when I'm not at work. I literally dont bring my comp home and dont even take it out of its case on the weekends... whatever, its more out of laziness than anything else. I'm not making a stand. but by stating that am i making a stand? hahaha. i've been reading a lot lately- rereading more like it. it leaves me feeling off center and a bit out of touch with my own mind...  probably the opposite effect reading is supposed to have. I end up just sounding stupid and not being able to react socially normal : ) with a delayed response or the wrong response or a forced correct response or too many responses...

I'm just writing to write. I dont spellcheck and I dont reread what i've just written. I sincerely hope that you have a good day today, and that someone else has a good day today because of you.

What of it?

I am not who you say I am.
It struck me the other day that those instances are becoming more frequently when I hear a description of myself or one of my actions/tendencies that I don't think are true. My first reaction is denial, then hurt or anger, then annoyance that they see me so off from the truth. When this starts to happen more and more frequently it becomes obvious that someone has the wrong view... and I'm beginning to think it is me that is wrong. It's easy to pass of if someone you don't know very well says something about you that your like, "what are they talking about, I don't do/think that." not when your close friends start doing it. It is usually safe to assume that the people around you all the time can read you better than yourself. I may think that I am acting one way in response to what I am thinking but it does really matter what i think I'm portraying, its what the audience perceives. not that I'm saying i need to start acting a certain way to make them believe i am different from what i am, but be more aware and intentional about how i act so that people can see who i really am and how i want to be perceived. If i think i am a nice person, it doesn't matter if i don't act upon that nice attitude. does that make sense?
I want to be seen as who I really am, and I want to be remembered consistently with how I see myself.
So instead of trying to defend my idea of how I act, I am going to try to be more intentional about how I act and how I respond so that my perception and the worlds perception of me and my actions line up in a way that is glorifying to God.
How do your friends see you? is it how you want to be seen?

I'm just a lazy person.

Do you ever have one of those days where you have no motivation to do anything. It usually hits me hard when I do not have anything planned and I end up watching tv all day and reading all night, today however, it has hit me hard this morning. I woke up several times this morning starting around 6am... my alarm clock was set for 8 but I probably woke about 3 or 4 times between 6 and 8.. then right before my alarm clock went off I woke up- Like really awake. That happens to me a lot where I almost feel refreshed to be awake but I don't get up, I stay in bed and after a min or two I fall back asleep... now this is bad because once I fall back asleep even for a min, then I am groggy for at least the another hour.... this is what happened, I accidentally turned off my alarm and ended up sleeping till 10 min before work.... What a day. Now I explained all of this melodrama because I have asked God so many times to wake me up in the morning, get me going, give me time to spend in his presence and yet when he does give it to me, I choose to stay in bed. I wake up will a little bit of energy and I choose to waste it for 5 more min of bad sleep...WHY?! besides being a moron, I think it is because I don't want to deal with it. I want to spend time with God so that I can say I have. I know in my head that its good for me, I hear that it will improve my day and improve my dissatisfaction with live... but I do not remember the joy it will bring. I want to say i'm on top of things, that I'm the perfect person, "I'm so spiritual" but I don't want to have to change. I don't want to do the work. I don't want to feel God's dissatisfaction with my life. I do not want to go outside of my comfort zone and be convicted for my refusal to serve.
It might sound like I think God is this angry vengeful God who requires so many rules and whatnot, but I honestly don't think that. I believe that He wants the best for me but mostly what is best for me in terms of what is BEST for His kingdom and will be the most help for the least of His....
Something that has been tugging on my hearty a lot lately is Timshel. Thou Mayest. I complain a lot about being lazy and I'm not satisfied, I'm unmotivated..bla bla bla. I had a friend tell me one time that now that I have said I am lazy what am I going to do about it? I cant use that character trait as an excuse for not doing something. I have confessed but I haven't changed it at all, I am using my lazy tendencies to escape from responsibility for my actions. when I dont do something i just pass it off and say, well I'm such a lazy person, Oh Darn. Just because everyone knows i'm lazy doesn't make it right. I chose that and I can change that. God will not accept that as an excuse for not helping those in need. although its kind of funny to imagine. "hey God, sorry I didnt help protect those marginalized people, I was busy watching tv.... It's just that I'm a lazy person, I'm sorry that I am but you know how it is, I'm just Lazy!" God:"oh ok, well I do know that you are lazy, I understand"
I guess i'm done rambling or whatever.

um yes.

I am thankful for my friends. I know that they are true friends because they will let me stay at their house and read/sleep while they go out shopping. I do not have to impress them and I do not have to be at the top of my game. If they ask, "Do you want to go shopping with us or do you want to stay here?" I can unashamedly say... I'll stay here and read or something, and it's not weird. when they get back we eat ice cream and hang out. I can come and go and know that I am a part of the family. I like that, and I appreciate that not everyone has that. sometimes I take them for granted.

out with the old...

I read a lot. That is a fact everyone knows about me; I like to read. But a lot of the time I find my self reading books that I have read before.. and not always that long ago. Some people will read a book that was their favorite when they were a kid and its kind of a nostalgic experience.. that's not really what I mean. I will read a book over and over again, while still getting totally involved in it each time. I just love the book and I love the story or the experience of reading it or the humor in it or whatever the reason, I'll read a book 4 times in a year. What a waste of my time. Granted i memorize the book a little more each time but there are new books out there, books I'm sure I will love.... But I know that I will enjoy the old book so I will end up just reading that. I'm reading Harry Potter 5 again right now, probably for the 6th time (at least). While I am able to function while still reading, I can actually put it down after 3 chapters at night but the point is that I am re-reading this book that I could probably quote to you by now. Well, I could at least summarize each chapter without looking. My dad told me the other day, "You know there are other books out there right? New books with new plots and new characters...." Yes I know that but what if I can't get into it? What if I'm not in the mood for that book or it's not funny enough or it takes more that one chapter for me to get involved in it? Now for me those are stupid questions to be asking since I love books and am rarely disappointing by a book...yet I haven't been reading anything new... I feel like I that way with God too. I know that he has bigger and better things for me but I hold back, I stick with what is comfortable right now because I know what to expect and how to react. I am safe here. Yes the bible tells me that God wants to pour out His blessing upon me, that he wants to protect me and hold me and cherish me. That God has innumerably more things for me that I can literally not even imagine, if I obey. If I am strong and courageous and follow hard after Him... I'm wasting my time and I'm wasting His gifts. I just love Harry Potter and don't want to move on, even though it's getting old, I know the story and I know the ending. I get bored faster yet I can't let go. I'm sorry God, I want to move on but I'll need your help, please.

Obsession

I just became obsessed with this video....
http://boredish.com/?p=1278

Decisions

So i know I don't write on here much, but i do think about it often.. usually when I'm about to go to sleep or driving. i have most of my internal dialogues while driving. It's usually big plans that i will never follow through with or conversations that have past and I'm re-working them in my mind to see how i could have changed what i said or seemed a different person somehow or what have you. The car is my unwinding. It is where i go when I am worked up and when I am when I am not. I don't love driving and I hate traffic, yet I get most of my thinking done in the car. I notice more stuff while driving, things that I want to talk about and things that no one else would want to listen to. A lot of times while I am driving I will a screen shot of what I'm looking at, i feel like what i am looking at turns into a picture that i wish i could print out and show people my perspective, yes the guy working on the street light but blur everything out and make the squirrel that is watching him from the same pole he is working on more vivid.... all of that in the second that i see it and drive past...
I want to be different, to act different, to talk differently. but i am not different. I am me. I do not want to accept that, I want to be artistic, trendy, a poet and a writer yet a theologian and a philosopher, I want to be outdoorsy and graceful. petite and strong. I am only me. I have my strengths and I know that i am needed and appreciated by my friends and family, they are satisfied with me as I am, yet I am not. I am a lazy person, I avoid my issues; basically I am not the change I want to see. Someone once told me, "you say you are lazy and that it's a problem but do not let that be an excuse to continue being lazy. face it, deal with it and change it." I havent done that yet. I usually know what my problem is; no self discipline or general laziness, yet I talk about it, moan about it, gripe about how I dont like it then move along and change nothing. It is the same thing as the timshel issue in the bible. are we a slave to sin? is it our destiny? Thou Mayest! I have a choice to make. Will I continue being self absorbed and lazy or will I get back to work and make a valiant effort to be different?! will I be the change I want to see.. and how do I change without loosing me?

I work in a house where a 99 yr old lady lives, she gets disoriented every day in one way or another. some days she thinks I'm the paid help in a nursing home, other days she asks if she is related to the people who live here (her grandchildren) other days she just doesn't ask. She sits in her chair all day, she eats in her room, sleeps in her room and sometimes comes out for a glass of buttermilk. Today she said that she sometimes feels like she is dreaming all the time. She can remember Taylor's name but has to ask if they are kin (Taylor is her great-granddaughter. She can't see well enough to read and she cant hear well enough to watch TV. she just sits in her chair all day doing nothing but living in a fog. Lonely and bored, waiting to die. I wonder what it's like to not know where you are or why your there. to not know what is real and what is in your head.... I like her a lot though. She's funny and sassy and walking around at 99 yrs old.

I need to make a choice. Do I really want to change for the better; become disciplined or not?